Thursday, September 20, 2007

-The End-

9-20-2007

Due to a few unforeseen computer problems and a busy schedule I have not been updating this thing as regularly as I would like to. I will attempt to fuse a few ideas and current events together in hopes of adequately updating this blog. This BLOG post will be the beginning of the end. I will be handing off my computer to my parents in a few days…….and therefore will not be able to type up anymore nonsensical gibberish.

Well it is now the end of my service……..and it is time to move on with my life. I returned yesterday from Sofia where I was poked and examined thoroughly by the PC doctors. I also had my closure of service interview with the brand new PC country director of Bulgaria. She seemed nice enough, but has a few intrusive and unrealistic Peace Corps ideals that do not play well into the Bulgarian culture or lifestyle. She seamed good hearted and with strong convictions…….I am sure she will do fine as the new PC Bulgaria country director; however long that will be. It is quite possible that Peace Corps will pull out of Bulgaria within the next two years.

The last few months have been very slow rolling…….I have had minimal work, and an overload of free time. I have recemtly reflected and analyzed my service over the last couple years, and am very happy with the way things turned out. I have an incredible relationship with my municipality, and I have deep friendships with many of my colleagues. My time in Bulgaria has been priceless to me, and I have learned and grown in exponential proportions. My life will forever be different because of my experience here. I will no longer take my comfortable American lifestyle for granted. I will strive to improve my character and to constantly grow as a person and hopefully be a positive impact on the world I live in.

What will I do upon returning to the USA? What will my role be? How will I adjust? These are a few of the questions that I have been pondering lately; I unfortunately have not found peace in the speculative answers. I am a bit spoiled at the moment, my time left here has become minute and in consequence I have found myself being smothered with kind words. I was told by a colleague recently that Chirpan will always remember me and that I have done many great things for the city. Hearing this made me feel incredibly joyful and validated. It created a feeling in me that I will hopefully always be able to recall. I feel that my hard work and seemingly constant struggle resulted in something that I had never imagined possible. I am no saint, nor a great volunteer; however I pride myself in the fact that I was able to live in a strange/foreign and different community for two long years. I feel good about the fact that I now have warm relationships with people all over Chirpan/Bulgaria, and it gives me a warm feeling knowing that I will be missed by many of these people. Likewise I will miss Chirpan/Bulgaria and the wonderful people of this city/Country. I will forever feel connected with this city/Country, and am sure I will return here many times throughout my lifetime.

It is difficult to write about this topic without sounding cocky or egotistical; I in fact did nothing more than perform my duty as a Peace Corps Volunteer. And am fully aware that thousands of people do the same thing I have done every year. I am simply trying to describe my emotions and warm feelings regarding my service. I feel proud to have accomplished my goals, and feel great about the results of my Peace Corps service in Chirpan.

As I attempted to portray in my previous posts throughout the last two years; my journey was not without pain, depression, loneliness and severe anxiety. There are many Peace Corps mottos and perhaps the one that has proven the most true to me is: Peace Corps is the hardest job you will ever love. That statement has proven to be quite true in relation to my service. I have endured great difficulty in all aspects of my Peace Corps service; but have gained maturity, professionalism, and joy from many of the obstacles and hardships faced.

But what now? Well obviously it will be a bit of a shock for me to re-enter American society. Historically I have always struggled with change…….and I feel that my future integration will be an enormous challenge for me. Here(Chirpan) I feel important, and am some sort of novelty/celebrity. However upon return to the states my importance will have diminished and I will return to my role as an indistinguishable ant. No more whisky drinking sessions with the mayor and municipal colleagues, no more pictures and praise in the newspaper; my role as the noble American will be swept away. What will I possibly do with myself? Perhaps this transition is more of a mentality/role adjustment. Perhaps it is time for me to realize that like a salmon I too must leave the river that created me and venture out into larger bodies of water in order to face my realistic role in this world. I am now at a time in my life where inevitably the stimulation of the new and strange will weaken…and I will be expected to choose a formidable path. However, I feel determined to do all I can in order to delay this predisposition and as an alternative; strive to achieve a lifestyle with a satisfactory mixture of continued adventure, growth, knowledge and conventional successes.

The gears are grinding in my brain at the moment, and I will mention that even though I am visibly postponing the establishment of any sort of career for an additional 7 months……..the future is never far from my mind.

I have been a bit under the weather the last couple weeks. I have a bad case of viral bronchitis that has left me very weak and antisocial. At one point last week I did not leave my house or talk to anyone for 4 days. Haha……..fortunately when I return to the United States I will not have to deal with this sort of isolation and uncomfortable seclusion.

I recently met the volunteer who will be replacing me at the Municipality. He is an ambitions poli-sci major who has chosen to defer his acceptance to NYU grad school in order to serve in the Peace Corps. I see a lot of myself in this guy…..and have confidence that he will be accepted into Chirpan easily. His ambition and good hearted nature will ensure his successful integration into the community of Chirpan. Unfortunately for my Baba, he will not be living in my old apartment. He will be living a few blocks away in an apartment block nearby the kindergarten I used to teach at. The Baba will soon live alone and without a helpless American boy to care for. I will definitely miss our frequent meals together and our conversations about the decline of Bulgarian security, morality and quality of life. Painka often vented to me her frustrations and spoke of the way things were…….it is very sad for me to listen to her frequent reports of pain, decline of overall self-worth and happiness.

I have truly enjoyed my time living in the same house as Painka. Just having someone near makes me feel less alone. The thin floorboards enable me here her snore deeply while she sleeps. This I find to be a bit humorous and overall comforting…….it makes me recall the memories of my late dog Mac who used to snore loudly as I slept in my room above him. I think there is just something comforting about knowing someone is near you…….and that someone is there for you in times of despair.

Now that I am leaving………I can’t help but to think I should have done more. I now know the ins and outs of my city and the municipality incredibly well. If I were to stay another year I am sure I could accomplish many more things and be a much greater resource to my co-workers. It takes such a long time to learn the language and to become accustomed to your role……….that I feel that I really only worked one year here. I am sure that this is a typical realization that many PCV’s feel toward the end of their service. I am currently compiling a collection of ideas and suggestions for the new volunteer. I think it will be helpful for him to know all the things that I did not know upon my arrival in Chirpan. I think that with a few suggestions he will be able to learn the ropes at a much more rapid pace than I had.

Bulgarski: what on earth am I going to do with my knowledge of the Bulgarian language? I now know the language quite well, but for what? I am now thinking that Bulgarian language skills may not be much of an asset to my life and future career. I am not sure what I will do about this dilemma. At this point, I imagine that I will seek out Bulgarian friends…..or perhaps find Bulgarian cultural activities in the Seattle area. Hopefully there will be a few Bulgarians in the Seattle area that will let me into their circle. I have a love for the Bulgarian culture that I would like to see grow, not die. The last two years of cultural integration have been incredibly significant for me. I now feel compelled to make an effort in order to maintain my cultural ties with Bulgaria and to keep my Bulgarski knowledge alive. Recently I have pondered the idea of studying Russian upon my return to the USA (in my free time). At this point, I have a solid foundation for the language already, and I feel Russian may prove to be a bit more useful for me in general than Bulgarski. It is hard to gauge exactly my level of Bulgarian at this point…….but I would consider myself relatively fluent. My colleagues and friends say I am fluent…….but I think fluent is a loose term. I will say however that I am now at a level of proficiency that I never believed I would achieve. I feel really good about my language skills at this point,……and have really enjoyed the joys and frustrations of learning a new language.

Well things are heating up again in Lebanon……..I am really hoping things cool off in time for Max and I to visit there in November. We still plan to visit Syria but Lebanon may be an impossibility if the violence and instability there continues to escalate. The trip will begin in less than three weeks! The growing excitement for my future adventure is immeasurable.

As I mentioned previously, I am no longer playing rugby in Bulgaria. The game here is a bit too chaotic, and I am finished with the brutish mentality of Bulgarian rugby players. It appears that I have not missed much recently; when Varna and Pernik matched up again last Saturday, the game ended before halftime because a group of Pernik players brutally attacked the referee. The final game is being played this Sunday……..and I have declined my invitation to play. If I ever play rugby again it will be within a league of gentlemen who love the sport and treat the rules of the game with respect and honor.

The weather here has cooled down quite a bit recently………….well I guess that is me trailing off. I have officially run out of things to write about. A paragraph on Bulgarian weather may be a bit too much for my readers (3 family members) to handle. So anyways…….over and out for now…….and if you are interested in my future travel adventures check this blog for updates.
See you soon,
Trevor