Toilet Humor

Things here have become so routine and normal that I find myself having to compare them to US standards in order to come up with anything unusual or relatively interesting. My day to day interactions are normal to me but may be abnormal and exotic to many people in the States. PC stories spread like wildfire……the good and the bad. We all seem to thrive on each others awkward experiences.
For Example……….

-About a week ago today, I traveled to the nearby town of Stara Zagora. I have a solid crew of friends there, and make the trip from time to time for a quick taste of the city life. On this particular occasion I was there to watch a semi-final European Premiere League match (Liverpool-Chelsea, soccer). It was a wonderful Wednesday night out with the crew, and after a close match and a couple pints; I headed to the train station. I was in a very pleasant and satisfied mood as I boarded the 1am train for Chirpan. After a short exploration of the train, I was able to find a free seat in a wagon filled with college aged kids. The train wagons are quite small and when crowded can feel uncomfortably snug (like a crowded elevator). On the plus side; a few smiles and a bit of small talk is for the most part inevitable in this situation. After a few words with my new ‘proximity crew’ I left my seat and headed down the hallway toward the Toilet……..nature calls……..SIDE NOTE -Train Toilets in the Balkans are notorious for being disgusting and almost unusable. I just wrote out a full description of a typical Balkan train toilet….but better judgment had me delete this as courtesy to the reader. So………anyways I made it to the toilet and found that the light was burnt out; there appeared to be a faint glow of moonlight coming through the window. So after some deep thought and analysis of the situation; I decided to live dangerously and step into the unknown. After I stepped into the WC and reached out to close the door; I realized that I was standing in a half inch+ of ________&________. As disgusting as this is, I figured that I am already in the puddle…so…… I may as well finish my business while I am here. The damage was already done, so I figured I would make the most out of the situation. As I walked down the hall toward my seat; I realized that the horrific smell was lingering a bit longer than it should have. As I inspected my pants I realized that there was about a two inch ring of saturation around the bottom of my jeans. AHHHHHH…….. not good I thought to myself. My jeans had soaked up a substantial amount of foul smelling mystery juice from the floor of the WC. So now what????? I am on a train……and wearing a pair of jeans that are putting off an appalling scent. So after a bit of contemplation I decided that I could no longer casually go back to my seat. The situation would be way too embarrassing. Lets see……….a 5x7.5ft room with 8 people, no open windows,…….. and one person is wearing jeans saturated with piss and sh#* water……..someone is bound to notice the smell. Ohh…..and when did this smell begin……..it was of course when the strange foreigner returned from the restroom. So….yeah……..action had to be taken….I decided to avoid this humiliating situation by standing in the well-ventilated hallway outside the wagon and pretending to ignore my own smell. It was only another 40 minutes until my stop, so standing was not a problem. Disaster avoided successfully!!!!!!!!


A friend of mine recently told me a story about a run in he had with an elderly Roma woman. As it goes………he was traveling in a familiar area and was held up at a bus station that he frequents. When nature called; he decided to make a trip to the restroom. He knew of a secluded restroom that was almost a secret to travelers (or so he thought). So he then smoothly ventured around the back of the building and walked down a tight stairwell. In front of him was the pathway to the secret toilet……barely in view from the secluded hallway was the small narrow door to the hidden Turkish toilet. Rather than touch the disgusting door, and feeling quite secluded…… he began to urinate……peace and silence was shattered abruptly when he heard the loud irate yell of an old woman, followed by a fierce and powerful slam of the door behind him. Shocked and a bit embarrassed he finishes up his business and then opens the bathroom door into the hallway. As he slowly stepped forward he noticed something out of the corner of his eye……….a swiftly moving Elderly Roma woman was rapidly approaching…….. Before he could turn around he heard a loud war like yell and felt a mouthful of spit slap across the side of his neck and face. This missile of a lougi was followed by the Roma baba’s excessive yelling and screaming…….which translated amounted to her telling him that he did not have any culture. She was offended to say the least, that she had caught him using the toilet without the door closed. – My friend’s reaction: complete shock…….. disgust…more shock……and some retaliatory screaming and cursing in English. After a brief yelling match, a few locals intervened and they were forced to separate, and part ways. My friend walked away from the incident trembling, sickened, and completely traumatized from the situation……but he lived to tell the story….. The moral of the story is to always carry around napkins and antibacterial gel………Oh and close the door behind you when you’re taking a piss.