Dusting off the cobwebs-

I have been staring through the glowing soul of a white computer screen for the last 40 minutes trying to muster up enough enthusiasm and creativity to begin shoving my thoughts and memories into this box of aging technology. Writers block seems to be an understatement and perhaps an unfair title for what I am currently experiencing. Assuming that you must first be a ‘writer’ to acquire writers block;……….I will say that due to my lack of achievement and past professionalism in the field of writing, I should perhaps only mention that I am suffering from severe laziness and perhaps even lack of confidence.

In many ways the last four years of my life have been a sloppy pastel smudge on the roadmap of adulthood. Experience I have gained but professionalism, responsibility, love, and achievement have been reminiscent of vanishing ink on this roadmap. What I am forced to confront is whether or not ‘experience’ is worth the sacrifice. Sadly, self induced pain is a nagging discomfort that does not merit sympathy. However, how else am I able to describe the painful, uncomfortable, lonely, and depressing lifestyle I have chosen for myself? Are these thoughts even worth writing, or is it better to internalize the turbulence constantly festering within my mind?

After a 27 month Peace Corps assignment in rural Bulgaria I completed a ten month journey which took me into the depths of the developing world. These experiences were incredibly eventful and without a doubt rewarding, however, they did brew a stodgy level of depression, loneliness and confusion that I am to this day struggling to digest. A consuming fire has ignited within my heart, mind and soul. My internal struggles, wanderlust, and inherited need for comfort and stability have become increasingly exhausting throughout the last 9 months of my life. As I attempt to write and ponder my life choices, a couple nagging quotes are beginning to eat away at my concentration.
(both from the Tao De Ching)

-“When you stand with your two feet on the ground, you will always keep your balance.”
-“The more you know the less you understand.”

The first quote sticks out in my mind because of the “a rolling stone gathers no moss” lifestyle I have been living in recent years. Perhaps this ancient Chinese philosophy rings true…………it is a bit difficult to maintain stability while wandering through life aimlessly and avoiding mainstream Western Societal norms.

The second quote is one that has been eating away at my mind for quite some time. I feel that the more I educate myself and essentially the more I open my mind up to the world around me, the more unstable and tormented I feel. Knowledge gained can be quite pleasant and attractive when it comes to bubble gum facts like Baseball statistics, or the history of the telephone; but when you begin to wrap your head around things such as International Conflicts, Globalization, Religious Conflicts and Global Ethics……..your head begins to lose all its stability and wander off into a very uncontrollable direction. Perhaps ignorance truly is bliss…..

Upon completion of my journey and return to the USA, I immediately was consumed with intense feelings of euphoria. The intense reverse culture shock I experienced was initially somewhat pleasant. I went from intense isolation and horribly depressing loneliness to a stimulating lifestyle of social gatherings and familiar comfort. My previously expanding mind began to wilt upon my return to mundane existence and a monotonous lifestyle of work, alcohol consumption, and heavy stress. Three years had passed since I last lived in my homeland; however, I struggled to find substantial differences in the world I had left behind. What eventually became clear was that I had changed and the world that I left had moved on without me. Such is life…….. I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to return to my wonderful family and friends, whom accepted me and tolerated me during my period of adjustment.

Well, now that the words are flowing I will wrap up the nonsense and move on.

I spent the winter working a low level accounting job at a ski resort in the Cascade Mountains. In retrospect, living alone in a desolate cabin and spending my days counting beans in an isolated office was not exactly the best way to reintegrate into the Western world. Besides several wonderful weekends spent with close friends and family members; my time in the USA (10months) was uncomfortable, depressing, and awkward. Sometimes it is easier to move on than to fight through the challenges or reintegration. Which brings me to my current situation………..sitting on a rock hard IKEA couch typing away in Brisbane, Australia.



To make a long story short, last December I decided that I would commit to a career in the field of international aid/development. In order to make this happen, my first objective would be to earn a Masters Degree in a relevant field. This is because entering into the field of Development is highly competitive. Essentially, getting your foot in the door with any reputable organization with anything less than a Masters Degree is near impossible. After doing quite a bit of research, I found a school and program that appeared to fit me like a glove. A few months later an acceptance offer came from the University of Queensland in Brisbane Australia. Though I applied to two other Australian schools, I was incredibly thrilled because UQ was by far my first choice. Starting July 27th 2009 I will commence my studies of International Relations at UQ in Brisbane.

Committing to $40K+ of student loans and two years of graduate study in a far away land was not an easy decision. To say that I have “commitment issues” is quite an understatement. I was forced to come to the conclusion that it is now time to grow up and to begin making a name for myself. Forced sjtability and the compulsory responsibilities of mass debt would now change my lifestyle substantially for at least the next 7-8 years. Knowing that I would soon be confined in an impossible to escape cage of debt and responsibility, I began to plan one last journey.

I spent close to 3 months sorting out logistics for a trip that would take me “the long way” to Australia. This would be by far the most challenging adventure of my life, and potentially the most rewarding.

And in the end it was both………………

-Itinerary: Turkey-Bulgaria-Tajikistan-Afghanistan-Uzbekistan-India-Singapore-Australia-Responsibility/Debt