The beginning of the end- Journey to Tajikistan

After a quick tour of Chicago and NYC, my brother Toby and I excitedly boarded a plane heading to the world abroad. Our journey began with a quick tour of Istanbul, Turkey, subsequently followed by a relaxing couple weeks in my home away from home, Bulgaria.

I can’t stress enough how completely amazing it was to be back in Bulgaria. All the stress I had been accumulating throughout the previous ten months seemed to vanish within the first few days I was in Bulgaria. I felt at home, comfortable, and exceptionally happy. I was able to reconnect with my host family, old friends, and my former colleagues from the Municipality of Chirpan. Speaking Bulgarian again was like a breathe of fresh air. Surprisingly, the words flew out of me quite naturally and the vocabulary came back rather quickly. After spending two weeks in Bulgaria, I found it enormously difficult to leave. Before leaving, I pledged to myself that I would make an effort to return sooner than later.

Tajikistan-

6-2-09

Toby and I arrived at the Dushanbe airport just after 3am on the second of June 2009. Our excitement and curiosity seemed to overpower our undeniable feelings of exhaustion as we made our way through Tajik customs. Once through customs, I was able to use my choppy Ruski skills to hire a cab to a nearby hotel. Our rusty, packed to capacity soviet era Lada (Russian car) controlled by a grisly middle aged Tajik man with a black square skull cap and a wiry grey mustache, peacefully sputtered along the dimly lit, tree lined streets of Dushanbe before stopping suddenly in front of the large blatantly soviet Hotel Dushanbe. We had made it!

The hotel felt uniquely comfortable and familiar: peeling wallpaper, obnoxiously high ceilings, walls smothered with arrogantly tacky paintings, mundane, sloppily laid rugs, the musky smell of mildew and cigarettes, and an angry, worn out, middle aged woman with dark sad eyes and an invasive pubescent mustache on each floor. There is nothing quite like a soviet era hotel; on one hand they are quite shabby, dark, and gloomy, but on the other they are spacious, peaceful, and strangely comforting.

Sleep was patchy at best and generally uncomfortable………. our fifth floor room gathered heat with mysterious efficiency and my short narrow bed appeared to have been built for an eight year old. After a few hours of frequently interrupted sleep, we forced ourselves out of bed, and by 8am made our way to the hotel restaurant. Another quite cliché soviet experience; Large high tables, seat cushions peppered with cigarette burns, 70s drug dealer décor, no lights, with only one window uncovered, and an angry looking young waitress with black hair, piercing brown eyes and a stenciled in unibrow. Our meal was about as plain as can be, which was due to the fact that my Russian restaurant vocabulary is quite minimal. My brother giggled as he absorbed the strangeness of post soviet Tajikistan. Little did he know that strange, bizarre, and difficult was the overall theme of former Soviet Central Asia.

Our day consisted mostly of running around town sorting out visas and logistics for our journey east. Plump warm raindrops dropped through the thick, grey, suffocating sky while we wandered around the surprisingly clean concrete jungle of Dushanbe. To my surprise, Dushanbe was actually the most well maintained former Soviet Capital that I had ever visited. The streets were clean and the buildings appeared to have been built with relative skill as they vibrantly glowed with visibly fresh coats of brightly colored paint.

On the 3rd of June we woke up early in order to take a flight into the Pamir Mountains to the incredibly isolated mountain town of Khorog. Khorog is located in the militarized GBAO region of Easter Tajikistan. We were required to attain special permission and a GBAO permit before entering the region. Unfortunately, since the clouds were lingering and the flight was presumably cancelled, we were forced to travel to Khorog by land. Without fully comprehending the implications and consequences of our actions, we made our way to a cluster of 4x4s on the edge of town and began inquiring about hitching a ride east.

This is when we made the first major logistical error of our journey. My Brother Toby and I decided to purchase seats in an old Russian 4x4 van. In retrospect, a land cruiser would have been the obvious correct choice for a drive of this magnitude.

So it began………15 of us packed like sardines into a half broken, grey wrecking ball of Russian steel and soviet engineering. The interior of the rig was a custom job: a couple of velvet covered steel benches bolted to the floor, two rows of broken seats, a small 80s era home stereo fastened snuggly into the dashboard, and red velvet material hastily fastened to the interior roof. Besides the worn out shocks and seats that constantly split apart with the slightest turbulence (which consequently forced my knees into the steel chair in front of me); the most irritating part of this vehicle was the damn velvet roof covering. While sitting, my head rested about 1.5 inches from the steel roof of the vehicle. The sloppily installed Velvet roof covering hung down about 8 inches from this roof……..which meant that for 30 excruciating hours, I had a dusty, sweat soiled piece of fabric resting on my face.

Due to a violent drug war that was rumored to be going on throughout the region along the Northern route to Khorog, our van was forced to take the low route, which for most of the journey hugged the edge of the Darya ye Panj river. Across the river, a mere stones throw away, lay Afghanistan .

We departed Dushanbe at around 10am and began sluggishly roaming down the dirty, pothole ridden asphalt toward the Pamirs. Dust poured through the broken windows as we were all slowly cooked in our velvet lined mobile oven. My patience began to diminish as we constantly took breaks and stopped for vehicle maintenance reasons. After the first five excruciating hours of the journey, I had begun to ignore the severe discomfort I was enduring. I had forced myself to accept the situation and began trying to enjoy the natural beauty and cultural richness of my surroundings.

Sharing this vehicle with friendly Tajik families turned out to be the highlight…….and only redeeming aspect of this journey. Bottles of unpasteurized goat milk were generously passed around the van along with cookies, candy, and various forms of nan bread. Toby and I had become part of a family and were treated with sincere kindness and warm hospitality. At the end of the day, we were all in it together…….and were forced to make the most out of a trying situation.

Another positive aspect of this journey was the incredible views from the tops of the mountain passes. One pass in particular looked down upon a beautiful blue-green lake with containing bright red islands with dark green caps. The lake was surrounded by lush, green rolling hills which expelled a consuming ora of serenity and uncontaminated bliss.

As darkness fell, the all-encompassing dust continued to coat my body and lungs while cool air swept in through the cracked windows and began to slowly dry the damp clothing which was glued to my body with an adhesive of dust and perspiration. Sleep was absolutely impossible; in fact, in order to avoid harsh discomfort, one must be alert at all times. Each time I unintentionally dozed off, I would be violently jarred awake by the van hitting a large bump or rock in the dirt road. The vehicles breaks would be used without warning, forcing my knees to smash against the chair in front of me while my head slammed against the van’s steel roof. As I attempt to describe how painful, irritating, and all around miserable this experience was for me………I wonder how I made it to the other side with my sanity.

At 3am we were forced to stop for close to three hours while a tractor cleared the roadway in front of us. A giant rock slide had recently fallen and obstructed the narrow road in front of us with boulders the size of Volkswagens. This particular stretch of the road cut along a steep mud and boulder cliff side which hugging the northern edge of the Darya ye Panj River. Being confronted with this massive obstruction helped me comprehend just how sketchy and dangerous this road actually was. Not only were the edges of this road heavily mined (there were several warning signs), but huge boulders and massive rock slides continuously fell upon the road. I was told that earlier this year a passenger vehicle was struck by one of these rock slides; hurling them down the rocky cliffside and into the river 200ft below the road, killing everyone inside.(Further research shows that in this mountainous region of Tajikistan there have been 23 deaths due to mudslides/rockslides in April-May of 2009)

At 7am we stopped for breakfast at a one shack village nestled into a lush grassy corridor near a sharp bend in the Panj river. We were served by a short middle aged man with a leathery face and soft green eyes, along with his two young daughters. This weather worn mountain family appeared incredibly dirty and unusually primitive. Knowing that their nearest neighbors lived over an hour drive in either direction, it dawned on me that these young girls would most likely never have the opportunity to go to school, experience the world, read a book, or even have the opportunity to venture far from their small mud shack. When I am confronted with these disheartening realities, it makes me resent the pettiness of the Western World. We have grown so accustom to comfort, mobility, and unrestricted pleasure that we often forget how lucky we truly are. While people bitch about traffic and slow internet, there are children all over the world who are forgoing educational opportunities in order to slave away so that their families are able to consume enough calories to survive. I of course am no exception to pettiness; I am in the middle of writing a long description about how horribly painful a certain van ride was for me. If I step back from this situation and look in with the eyes of one of these young girls from the roadside tea shack, things begin to look quite different. Perhaps the young girl would scowl at me and with a look of frustration across her saddened face, would tell me that the cost of my “horrible” van ride is more than her family earns in a month, and maybe I should stop complaining about journeys I take for purposes of leisure and curious exploration.

At 3:45pm on the fourth of June, we arrived in Khorog. The journey along the desolate hardly maintained jeep trail was absolutely horrible. Our van waded through large flowing rivers, up steep rocky hills, and along perhaps the worst road I have ever experienced. This entire journey was completed at an incredibly sluggish pace…….557km in 30 hours!

Dusting off the cobwebs-

I have been staring through the glowing soul of a white computer screen for the last 40 minutes trying to muster up enough enthusiasm and creativity to begin shoving my thoughts and memories into this box of aging technology. Writers block seems to be an understatement and perhaps an unfair title for what I am currently experiencing. Assuming that you must first be a ‘writer’ to acquire writers block;……….I will say that due to my lack of achievement and past professionalism in the field of writing, I should perhaps only mention that I am suffering from severe laziness and perhaps even lack of confidence.

In many ways the last four years of my life have been a sloppy pastel smudge on the roadmap of adulthood. Experience I have gained but professionalism, responsibility, love, and achievement have been reminiscent of vanishing ink on this roadmap. What I am forced to confront is whether or not ‘experience’ is worth the sacrifice. Sadly, self induced pain is a nagging discomfort that does not merit sympathy. However, how else am I able to describe the painful, uncomfortable, lonely, and depressing lifestyle I have chosen for myself? Are these thoughts even worth writing, or is it better to internalize the turbulence constantly festering within my mind?

After a 27 month Peace Corps assignment in rural Bulgaria I completed a ten month journey which took me into the depths of the developing world. These experiences were incredibly eventful and without a doubt rewarding, however, they did brew a stodgy level of depression, loneliness and confusion that I am to this day struggling to digest. A consuming fire has ignited within my heart, mind and soul. My internal struggles, wanderlust, and inherited need for comfort and stability have become increasingly exhausting throughout the last 9 months of my life. As I attempt to write and ponder my life choices, a couple nagging quotes are beginning to eat away at my concentration.
(both from the Tao De Ching)

-“When you stand with your two feet on the ground, you will always keep your balance.”
-“The more you know the less you understand.”

The first quote sticks out in my mind because of the “a rolling stone gathers no moss” lifestyle I have been living in recent years. Perhaps this ancient Chinese philosophy rings true…………it is a bit difficult to maintain stability while wandering through life aimlessly and avoiding mainstream Western Societal norms.

The second quote is one that has been eating away at my mind for quite some time. I feel that the more I educate myself and essentially the more I open my mind up to the world around me, the more unstable and tormented I feel. Knowledge gained can be quite pleasant and attractive when it comes to bubble gum facts like Baseball statistics, or the history of the telephone; but when you begin to wrap your head around things such as International Conflicts, Globalization, Religious Conflicts and Global Ethics……..your head begins to lose all its stability and wander off into a very uncontrollable direction. Perhaps ignorance truly is bliss…..

Upon completion of my journey and return to the USA, I immediately was consumed with intense feelings of euphoria. The intense reverse culture shock I experienced was initially somewhat pleasant. I went from intense isolation and horribly depressing loneliness to a stimulating lifestyle of social gatherings and familiar comfort. My previously expanding mind began to wilt upon my return to mundane existence and a monotonous lifestyle of work, alcohol consumption, and heavy stress. Three years had passed since I last lived in my homeland; however, I struggled to find substantial differences in the world I had left behind. What eventually became clear was that I had changed and the world that I left had moved on without me. Such is life…….. I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to return to my wonderful family and friends, whom accepted me and tolerated me during my period of adjustment.

Well, now that the words are flowing I will wrap up the nonsense and move on.

I spent the winter working a low level accounting job at a ski resort in the Cascade Mountains. In retrospect, living alone in a desolate cabin and spending my days counting beans in an isolated office was not exactly the best way to reintegrate into the Western world. Besides several wonderful weekends spent with close friends and family members; my time in the USA (10months) was uncomfortable, depressing, and awkward. Sometimes it is easier to move on than to fight through the challenges or reintegration. Which brings me to my current situation………..sitting on a rock hard IKEA couch typing away in Brisbane, Australia.



To make a long story short, last December I decided that I would commit to a career in the field of international aid/development. In order to make this happen, my first objective would be to earn a Masters Degree in a relevant field. This is because entering into the field of Development is highly competitive. Essentially, getting your foot in the door with any reputable organization with anything less than a Masters Degree is near impossible. After doing quite a bit of research, I found a school and program that appeared to fit me like a glove. A few months later an acceptance offer came from the University of Queensland in Brisbane Australia. Though I applied to two other Australian schools, I was incredibly thrilled because UQ was by far my first choice. Starting July 27th 2009 I will commence my studies of International Relations at UQ in Brisbane.

Committing to $40K+ of student loans and two years of graduate study in a far away land was not an easy decision. To say that I have “commitment issues” is quite an understatement. I was forced to come to the conclusion that it is now time to grow up and to begin making a name for myself. Forced sjtability and the compulsory responsibilities of mass debt would now change my lifestyle substantially for at least the next 7-8 years. Knowing that I would soon be confined in an impossible to escape cage of debt and responsibility, I began to plan one last journey.

I spent close to 3 months sorting out logistics for a trip that would take me “the long way” to Australia. This would be by far the most challenging adventure of my life, and potentially the most rewarding.

And in the end it was both………………

-Itinerary: Turkey-Bulgaria-Tajikistan-Afghanistan-Uzbekistan-India-Singapore-Australia-Responsibility/Debt